Mailbox Wars/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Economists have a whole bunch of theories to explain the high cost of living. But I'll tell you what it is: Vehicle inspections. See this little stone chip on the windshield here? Well, they'll make me fix that. Is that crazy or what? I mean, what is the point of being able to negotiate an automobile purchase of $25, if I then gotta spend 100 bucks puttin' a new windshield into her? That's a recipe for disaster. Well, I have a different recipe... Add one large egg to windshield, using handheld convection oven, cook egg until no longer runny. And to really fool the inspector, stick one of these magnetic signs onto the side of the vehicle. [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Yeah. I could really use that. I'm a little bit upset. Look what happened to my mailbox here. I haven't been this mad since that lap dancer offered me the senior's discount. Uncle red? Yeah? See? You can use this replace your mailbox. Well, that's your hamster cage. It's all right. He's safe. I took him out and put him in your sock drawer. You know, I wondered why that one pair was so hard to unroll. Audience: Ohhhhhhh! Actually, that's not gonna work as a mailbox, harold, because it lets the rain in, eh, and then anybody walking by can see my mail. Oh yeah! All those hemorrhoids pamphlets and stuff. Look, they go me too! Oh man! You know what it is? It's the darn teenagers, eh? They hang out the car window there, they got a baseball bat, and they grand slam our mailboxes into the next county. And they think that's fun! Okay, well, it is fun, but not for us! You don't know it's teenagers! It could be anybody. You know, it could be um... Um.... It could be roy the mailman. Yeah! Maybe roy went nuts, and he did it. Harold, who ever heard of a postal worker going nuts? Why is it that today's teens have to wreck everything? Whatever happened to sex and drinking? Why would you be asking him?! Hey! It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a coupon for a free pony from the screaming pony breeding centre. Where every pony is a little horse. Okay, edgar, cover your ears. Edgar, co -- forget it. Red, you've got 30 seconds to edgar to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, edgar... Edgar! This is a game where you try to put the balls into the pockets. I don't play those kinds of games, red. Okay, okay, um, you can swim at a fancy hotel if it has one of these... A flooded basement? No, no, okay. I got an idea. Um... Say "loop" backwards. Loop. All right, okay, look, okay... When a man and a woman decide to have children, their genes... End up on the floor. Almost outta time, red. I know. I know. Okay, I know. When you have a bunch of talented people together what's that called? Certainly not this show! Well, edgar, you're on it, you know. Well, one person doesn't make a talent pool, red. There we go! [ ♪ ] can you smell me now? Yeah. Good. [ ♪ ] can you still smell me? Good. [ ♪ ] can you smell me now? Good. [ ♪ ] can you smell me now? Good. Anncr: Rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. Can you still smell me? Good. Anncr: We smell bad so you don't have to. You know, I'm a guy who likes to eat a lot of hot dogs. You can probably tell. I cook them myself on one of the barbeque grill units here, and I always cook way too many, but there's never any left over. So my wife got me this bike, hoping if I ride this thing that I would drop a few pounds, plus I'd be farther from the food. But I'm thinkin' there's a way to ride this bike that will actually enhance the hot dog barbecuing experience. Okay, first thing you wanna do is remove the rear wheel. Next you wanna get the rim off of the wheel. Now, I don't mean the tire. If I had meant the tire, I woulda said the tire, wouldn't I? And there's lotsa ways of getting that off there. You could cut that with a torch; you could hack it off with an axe; you could just wail the whole thing on a big rock a few hundred times. But the smart way is to take a pair of side cutters and cut the spoke right where it meets the rim. Now you just bend the spokes away from the sprocket side of the wheel. They're easy to bend, spikes are generally soft-spoken. And these aren't just spokes anymore, they're skewers. Hot dogs taste good any time, but they're even better after they got a few miles on them. To me, nothin' says class like rotisserie. Sounds french, eh? Like brassiere. And to make the rotisserie turn... This is the part that bernice is gonna love... Coz I'll be ridin' my bike. Had to add a little extra chain and brake cable, but she's all gonna pay off. Coz I'm not just gettin' exercise, I'm "pedaling" my wares. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, at this point, I like to add a little barbeque sauce. No problem. Gettin' some flame action? Wanna throw a little water on the fire? Again, no problem. Okay, if the water doesn't put out the fire, all's you gotta do is pick up the pace a little. Don't forget, this is a 10-speed. It's okay. They were to go. I have a little advice for all you guys out there with beards. If you've had your beard for five years or more, that's a commitment. Do not under any circumstances shave it off. You may think that as time has passed you've changed from walter mathau to cary grant, but I doubt it. It's a beard, it's not a cocoon. You're not a butterfly now, you're just an old caterpillar. As time has gone by, the part of your face that's under that beard has become a lost world of sags, bags, crags, wrinkles, crinkles, wattles and warts. Much better for you and your wife to remember you the way you were then rather than to see the way you are now. It's like watching an old tv series on cable and catching the reunion show and seeing how rough the old actors look today. It's bad enough to watch that on tv; you don't wanna see it in your own mirror. Toss that razor back into the drawer. You're way to old to survive a close shave. Remember, I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together. [ applause ] how do you guys feel about the way leading men are presented in today's movies? Well, I haven't seen any of 'em, but I'm sure they're all crap. Well, I think there's a problem there, you know? Women get one look at these hollywood fancy boys and all of a sudden their own husbands seem somehow lacking. I agree with that. You know, guys like brad pitt and leonardo di caprio make it very hard for middle aged career criminals to get the all-important second date. You know, I've been wondering a lot lately if, uh, ann marie still finds me attractive. Boy, that's crazy talk. She never found you attractive! I'm serious! I got into bed last night, I was feeling amorous, she completely ignored me. Well, it might help if you slept in the same room. You know, maybe we should work on our appearances. What if we worked out? I tried the stairmaster once. Did it work? Nope. Stared at it for half an hour. You know what, though, we're missing a big detail here, see? The leading hollywood men, you know who they hang out with? The leading hollywood women! They're not cruising up here to possum lake to try to steal our wives. Yeah. You know what it's like? It's like my business. I might not have the best store in the country, but I got the best store in possum lake. You got the only st -- let's not nitpick, okay! Okay, but that's a good point here. See, the easiest way to be the best man in a woman's life is to be the only man in her life. Exactly! Exactly! Okay, here's the deal. I need to be the only man in ann marie's life. So I want you two to promise that you won't steal ann marie away from me. Oh, you got my word on that one. Uncle red. I've got a way to catch our mailbox vandal. You know what these are? Iron filings! You been grinding your teeth? No, iron filings. I put them inside the mailbox, right, and then whoever smashes it all I gotta do is take my handy dandy metal detector here, right, I just gotta -- harold! We're tryin' to catch a criminal, okay? If I wanna science lesson, I'll clean out the fridge. Well, we can't just keep buying new mailboxes. I know, dalton's store is almost sold out of 'em. That's why I made this baby. Grab that baseball bat, harold, I wanna show you something. 'kay. Yeah, bring that over here, and just pretend that you're the vandal. Smash my new mailbox. But what if it goes flying off and smashes something beautiful like... Just hit the mailbox! Yeah, okay. Oh! Ah ah ah ah ah... Heheheheheh. Harold... Cement. Yeah, so's the mailbox! Red: Well, the plan was we were gonna have a little fishing trip in the canoe, and winston loves to fish more than he loves to help. So he just goes out to the end of the dock -- had all the stuff there, you know, I had the cooler, and then, uh, walter kinda showin' off, the way he does, to launch the canoe. Being more brawn than brain he forgot to actually put a rope on the canoe. So you know I have really just the one question... What were you thinking? So I get the anchor rope, there, and I figure, maybe if I could just hook into that. It's a metal canoe, shouldn't be a problem. That's a nice shot. And then just start pulling her in, but there was kind of a sandbar there and it had some foliage on it. Next think you know the canoe is all wedged on there real good. Do you mind, winston? Do you mind? I hate to interrupt your fishin', but if you could just help us -- you notice whenever you get two or more men doing something a lot of 'em are helping, but there's always gonna be one guy who -- how can I put this? Well, he's fakin' it, really. So I figure I'll switch from manpower to horsepower. Hook her up to the possum van, and I was just gonna haul her away there, but I thought if the guys could get some waves goin'... So I'm going, you know, jump up and down. It's a floating dock. Jump up and down, just get a few ripples, something going on. There we go. That's it, that's it. That's the idea. And the possum van's got the 318-8 in her, so I've got a lotta jam so... Probably was a little over-aggressive in that. Lotta loose rocks and stones and what have you well, we got our wave! And, uh, watch your head there, walter. Okay, so I could see walter swimmin' over to the dock. I wasn't quite sure where winston was. And I got walter up there. But so far we go no winston, we got no canoe. But he pointed out that winston was fishing. Welcome to the experts portion of the show. This is where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Ha! It's so true, isn't it? Okay, today's letter goes as follows... "dear experts..." lalala! "last night I dreamt I was driving my car up a steep hill "when the engine died and it started to roll backwards "faster and faster until I woke up in a cold sweat. "what does this mean?" well, it sounds like he popped the clutch too fast. No, no, uncle red, I think this man wants us to help interpret the hidden meaning of his dream. You're gonna have to go into the world of the unconscious mind! And you're gonna need to come out of it. You know, I think this dream is all about anxiety. Oh, well, okay, okay, okay. I get it, this guy's afraid of hills. No! No no, this guy has a fear of failure. That's why he can't climb the hill. He's afraid if he stops he'll slide backwards again, so he has to keep moving forward and moving on. Well, if he's afraid of hills, he should move to saskatchewan! You know, I had this really weird dream once. I was in my jail cell, right? And there was this dwarf in the corner. He was singing the fulsom prison blues. And my mother was sitting in the cell next to mine. That is so spooky. I haven't got to the part where I fell asleep yet. Okay, you know what? I think we've -- thanks. You know what else is cool? Know what else is cool? You know what else is cool? You know what else is cool? Those dreams where you can fly. Yeah! Sometimes in those dreams I have superpowers that allow me to do things that I can't do in real life you know, harold, getting a date is not technically superpower. Um, what kind of dreams do you have, mr. Green? Oh, I don't have dreams, mike. You don't dream?! Well, no, its sounds like if you hafta have dreams it's because you're afraid of something, or you want something you can't have, so... Wow, that's really enlightened, uncle red. Well, you know... It takes a lot of character to be happy with where you are and what you have. Boy... Especially considering your circumstances! You know, it almost makes me think maybe I should just hang around you forever! I didn't say I don't have nightmares, harold. You ever notice how when a man makes his bed that his wife will usually come back in and make the whole darned thing over again? I've seen bernice come back in here and tuck this thing in tighter than joan rivers' face. So it's not really worth if for a man to put a lot of effort into making the bed. And when it comes to the business of not making an effort, I'm the president and ceo. What we have here is a bed that makes itself. See this string? Got this attached to all four corners of my bedclothes. Then they run down through these eye-bolts that are attached to all four corners of the bed. And they all meet up here. This is one of those retractable dog leashes. So at night I let her out a few feet, so that bernice and I have enough lead to roam around a little and then in the morning, I just press the button. Heel! This mail box is a little too heavy for me. I figure as the cement cures it'll get lighter. Oh, uncle red! Uncle red! We just got a phone call from junior singleton. They think they caught the guy who's been smashing the mail boxes. Yeah, mike and dalton are bringing him over right now so I can scan him. You know, harold, I don't understand what you're saying, and, gee, I wish I cared. The iron filings, I put them in junior's mail box. So whoever smashed it is covered in the filings. Yeah, filings that can be picked up by this metal detector. See, it works just like this... [ beeeep! ] ahhh! Ah! Ah! Ah! It's the can. It's the can. We got him, mr. Green! He was hanging around downtown outside the recreation centre! And he was carrying a baseball bat! Well, that's good enough for me right there. Oh, no no no no. We need more proof than that. I gotta scan him! Step forward. [ no sound ] maybe the metal detector's not working, harold. Oh, yeah. [ beeeeeep! ] ahhhhhhhh! [ possum squealing ] oh, it's meeting time! Well, what do we do now? Well, you guys might as well go to the meeting. And the young fella here is obviously not the bad guy. You can either stay or go. Whatever you want. I should go. I'm on deck. Dalton, hang on a minute there, will ya. Yeah, sure, what is it? Just curious about something. Yeah? [ beeping ] pretty good year for mail box sales, is it, dalton? You know, red, a man has to make a living, you know. I-I-I was hoping we could kinda keep this our little secret. Well, what say you pay everybody's lodge dues this year, eh? We'll let it go at that. Everybody's lodge dues! That's not fair! Man's got to make a living, dalton. Right! Heheheheh. I'll see you at the meeting. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm hoping to put the "male" back into mail man. I might even have a package just for you. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, I have some good news. Dalton humphrey has offered to cover everyone's dues for the whole year. That's would probably mean more if any of you were actually planning on paying your dues. [ ♪ ]